


trouble by design

by peterandhispirate



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Con Artists, Falling In Love, First Dates, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-24 01:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16170590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterandhispirate/pseuds/peterandhispirate
Summary: “We can keep the clothes on if y’want,” he said, voice feather-soft, and Josh could only nod. There was something apologetic about it. But Tyler didn’t want an apology, not really - just because he wasn’t going to fuck Josh senseless didn’t mean he wouldn’t get the chance to rob him.





	1. judas and his sweet kisses

**Author's Note:**

> title from "too late to say goodbye" by cage the elephant

The very first thing that came to mind when Tyler saw Josh was "easy target". Granted, they were at opposite ends of the bar, but Tyler wasn't new to this. He had become a master at reading body language; knew all the differences between the greedy and the gullible. ****  
** **

And Josh? Josh was the biggest sucker Tyler had seen in awhile. ****  
** **

There was something about the way he smiled - except it wasn't a smile, it was a grin, teeth on full display and eyes crinkling. The nose ring and tattoos couldn't fool Tyler, but he had a feeling that this guy didn't  _ want  _ to fool anyone. He was soft - inherently gentle - and he didn't give a shit if the whole world knew. Tyler could respect that. ****  
** **

(Tyler could take advantage of that.) ****  
** **

So he made his way across the bar, hands in his pockets and chin tilted up just a little. Keeping his head down would be a dead giveaway: too much of a weasel move. Too suspicious. But holding it high made him look like a semi-douchebag - not a  _ complete  _ douchebag. Just a minor one.  ****  
** **

Maybe it was the air of confidence that caught Josh’s eye. Maybe he was just hypersensitive to his surroundings. Either way, he turned his head to smile at Tyler as he approached, not objecting when he pulled out a stool and sat down next to him. ****  
** **

“Hi,” Josh said, kind of shy and still smiling. Tyler was pleasantly surprised - usually he was the one who talked first, bending over backwards to pull as many strings as possible. But Josh was easy. Tyler liked easy. ****  
** **

“Hey, man.” Tyler smiled back, minus the flash of teeth and crinkly eyes. Less open. Mysterious, but just approachable enough for Josh to continue the conversation. Which he did. ****  
** **

“Josh,” he announced once Tyler asked the bartender for a glass of water, sticking out a semi-shaky hand. “That’s my name, I mean.” ****  
** **

Tyler took the hand, squeezed it, only pulling away when the beginnings of something pink started to crawl up Josh’s face. “M’Tyler.” ****  
** **

Josh smiled again, painfully sincere, and Tyler’s stomach rolled - from guilt or excitement, he wasn’t sure. He usually stuck to online scams: he didn’t have to leave his apartment or get dressed or look his victim in the eye. But there was nothing wrong with a challenge from time to time, especially when pretty pink-haired boys were involved. ****  
** **

“What d’you do?” Josh asked, elbows on the counter; leaning towards him ever-so-slightly. His breath was two parts vodka and one part sweetness. He was buzzed - tipsy, maybe - but not hammered. Tyler was glad. Waking up to a hangover  _ and  _ an empty wallet would be enough to bring anyone to tears. ****  
** **

“Railroad worker,” said Tyler, who was wearing a baggy flannel shirt and some jeans. He was a pro at dressing the part: one night he would be a traveling salesman, all wrapped up in a suit and tie, and the next? A roofer donning his filthiest work clothes. ****  
** **

“Cool.” Josh’s eyes somehow managed to be hopelessly dark and hold the light of the sun at the same time. “I’ve never been on a train before.” ****  
** **

“What about you, man?” Tyler asked, wanting to get an idea of how much trouble he was worth. “Where do you work?” ****  
** **

Josh scratched at his neck, embarrassment painting his face pink. “I, uh. I’m just a retail guy.” ****  
** **

Tyler shrugged. “No shame in that. Takes a lotta patience.” ****  
** **

“I try my best to be nice to everyone,” Josh mumbled, fingers straying to toy with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. So nervous. ****  
** **

“No shame in that, either.” ****  
** **

“Glad you think so.” The smile was back, and that weird feeling eating away at Tyler’s gut came with it. It wasn’t guilt,  _ couldn’t  _ be guilt - no such thing as a con artist with a conscience. He’d never get anything done if he had one of those. No, he definitely didn’t give two shits about this pink-haired dumbass with his shiny teeth and crinkly eyes. All he cared about was his wallet. ****  
** **

Tyler tried his best to keep that in mind when Josh leaned forward just a little bit more and said, “Do you wanna, like, go somewhere? Maybe I’m not reading the signals right, but I, uh. I dunno.” ****  
** **

“Don’t worry,” Tyler said, hungry eyes giving Josh a once-over. “You’re reading them right.” ****  
** **

Josh swallowed all sheepish, his cheeks pinker than ever. That’s when Tyler knew he had him - hook, line, sinker. “Where should we..?” ****  
** **

Tyler chose to keep his mouth shut, sliding off the stool and heading straight for the door, hands shoved in his pockets and that same nerve in his step. He didn’t need to look back to make sure he was being followed: the scrape of metal against the hardwood floor told him everything he needed to know. He was out the door and up the sidewalk. ****  
** **

Twenty frantic footfalls later and Josh caught up to him, breath billowing in front of his face like cigarette smoke. It was 11PM on a November night; chilly, but not freezing. Josh stuck close to Tyler’s side anyway, making it obvious that he was too delicate for one-night stands. Josh was sentimental. Josh got attached to things - to people. ****  
** **

Josh was easy. ****  
** **

Luckily for Tyler, he wasn’t nearly as sensitive. Couldn’t afford to be. But for the next hour or two, he had to be the most affectionate guy in the world, so he bumped shoulders with Josh and watched him laugh, soft and shy and too fucking tender. ****  
** **

They checked into some seedy motel with a flickering neon sign, Tyler apologizing for the cheapness of it and Josh insisting he didn’t mind. ****  
** **

“At least it’s not a car.” ****  
** **

The room had floral sheets, floral pillowcases, floral paintings covering cracks in the walls. Josh made himself at home amongst the flowers, sitting at the end of the bed with twitchy legs dangling, twitchy fingers running through faded hair. He looked so high-strung that Tyler couldn’t help but wonder if he was a virgin. ****  
** **

“This your first time?” he asked while shrugging off the flannel shirt. ****  
** **

Josh shook his head. “No. Just not really a fuck and run guy, that’s all.” ****  
** **

“Who said I'm gonna run?” Tyler pointed out, smiling, and he  _ knew  _ it was cruel to fuck with him like this. He had every intention of booking it as soon as he cleaned out Josh's wallet.  ****  
** **

But Josh didn't need to know that. ****  
** **

Tyler watched him unzip his sweatshirt, taking his sweet time - not because he was a tease but because he was shaking. He looked so pathetic that Tyler couldn’t help but step forward and cup his face with gentle hands, tilting his chin up until their eyes met. Josh’s were round; helpless. Tyler’s were warm with compassion that was getting less and less artificial. ****  
** **

“We can keep the clothes on if y’want,” he said, voice feather-soft, and Josh could only nod. There was something apologetic about it. But Tyler didn’t want an apology, not really - just because he wasn’t going to fuck Josh senseless didn’t mean he wouldn’t get the chance to rob him. ****  
** **

Josh didn’t object when Tyler splayed a hand on his chest, pushing him back until he was laying flat and angelic against the bed, legs still dangling over the edge. And between those legs was Tyler, patient and thoughtful and looking down at Josh with the same hunger he had in the bar. Josh blinked back, starry-eyed, and said, “Please.” ****  
** **

“Please what?” Not a command but a hum, low and tender. ****  
** **

“Please kiss me.” ****  
** **

So Tyler leaned down and kissed him. ****  
** **

Somewhere along the way he forgot all about the contents of Josh’s wallet, trading dollars and cents for whimpers and whines, for the desperate fingers reaching up to wind themselves in his hair. No, he couldn’t put a price on the soft bliss of Josh’s mouth or the noises it made, gasping weak and breathy against his lips. Not wanting to muffle such lovely sounds, Tyler moved on to Josh’s neck, pressing kisses against his throat that got deeper and messier until Josh was  _ squirming, _ his whimpering more pathetic than ever. Steady hands were braced on either side of him, anchoring him to Earth, even when Tyler was giving him the world’s sloppiest hickey and Josh  _ swore  _ he was seeing stars. ****  
** **

They slept the same way they kissed: tangled together like lovesick puppies. But Tyler wasn't a puppy, he was a coyote - a scavenger - which is why he laid wide awake, arms wrapped snug around Josh's middle and face pressed against the back of his neck, riddled with conflict because  _ this  _ was the part where he slipped out of bed to raid Josh's wallet. He knew exactly where it was, had watched Josh put it on the nightstand, but he couldn't. He couldn't go through with the one thing he had set out to do. ****  
** **

_ You don't even know him, _ Tyler's brain pointed out, which was true. But Josh was so goddamn genuine that talking to him felt like a reminder of how good people could be; kissing him felt like coming home to a refuge that had been right there all along - he was just too stupid to see it. Too stupid to realize how much he was missing out on. ****  
** **

It was Tyler's stupidity that made him stay put, letting the purpose of the scam melt away under the warmth of Josh's skin. ****  
** **

He was just as warm at nine in the morning when he rolled over and pressed his forehead to Tyler's, eyes half-lidded and mouth twitching into a smile. Voice raspy from sleep and love, Tyler smiled back and said, "Hey, man." ****  
** **

"Hey," Josh mumbled, soft and shy and a little awestruck. And then, "You stayed." ****  
** **

"Told you I wouldn't run," Tyler said, Josh's curls tickling his forehead, and all the while his heart weighed heavy on his ribs because running had been his plan from the start. ****  
** **

"I gotta go to work." Spoken like an apology, not a fact. Josh was so fucking apologetic. "Would it be weird if I asked for your number?" ****  
** **

Tyler raised both eyebrows. "I dunno. Would it be weird if I gave it to you?" ****  
** **

"Not at all," Josh replied, grinning all lopsided. So Tyler started rattling off numbers and Josh scrambled to find his phone, adding a new contact and simply titling it  _ Tyler. _ It was the only piece of information he had - the only piece that really mattered. ****  
** **

Other than the whole con artist thing. ****  
** **

And it was the con artist part of Tyler that cried out in betrayal when Josh grabbed his wallet off the nightstand and started for the door. How could he fuck up doing the one thing he was good at? How could he let such an easy catch slip through his fingers? ****  
** **

But then Josh stopped - turned - and Tyler remembered why. ****  
** **

"Would it be weird if I asked for a kiss?" ****  
** **

Still sitting at the edge of the bed, Tyler blinked, considering. "There are weirder things, I think." ****  
** **

It was a sweet little goodbye kiss, not nearly as hot and heavy as the night before, but it was during this kiss that Tyler realized Josh had him. ****  
** **

Hook, line, sinker.

****

;

****

"We've got a problem." ****  
** **

"No,  _ you've  _ got a problem. Don't try to suck me into whatever crisis you're having." Mark's voice was a warning, nervous and sort of tired. He'd known Tyler since college - two blissful years of teaming up to scam drunk fraternity losers. Then Tyler dropped out and they went their separate ways, only checking in with the occasional phonecall. ****  
** **

This was one of those phonecalls. ****  
** **

"I went to a bar to con somebody, and the dude I picked..." Tyler trailed off, helpless. Sitting hunched over on the couch with the phone clutched to his face, he looked like the world's most frazzled jackass. ****  
** **

"Let me guess," Mark said, sighing loud and long enough to remind Tyler of the mom he wished he could call. "He found out where you live and is threatening you with extreme violence." ****  
** **

Tyler's eyebrows knitted together. "What? No. That's like, the opposite of what's happening." ****  
** **

"...Go on." ****  
** **

"I took him to some motel, and we kissed and stuff, and in the morning I gave him my number." ****  
** **

"So you never took his money?" The disappointment was fucking tangible. Tyler  _ swore  _ it was his mom on the other end. ****  
** **

"You don't get it," he said, desperate, because how could Mark understand? How could he comprehend the sunshine smile? The crinkly eyes? "He was just so  _ nice _ ." ****  
** **

"Okay, fine, but if I were you I wouldn't keep messing around with this guy. You don't need any attachments. Just skip town and pretend it never happened." ****  
** **

Tyler swallowed. "I told him I wouldn't run." ****  
** **

"So?" A snort that made Tyler's heart sink low enough to drown in his stomach acid. "You lie to people all the time." ****  
** **

"You don't get it," Tyler repeated, a broken record cracked in half by some sucker he barely knew. Each word came out weaker than the last. "He had pink hair." ****  
** **

"If you say you're in love I'm legally obligated to punch you." ****  
** **

"Nobody said that," mumbled Tyler, who was saying that. ****  
** **

"Uh huh." Another sigh, but this one had less to do with annoyance and more to do with worry. Pure, all-consuming worry. "Don't get involved with him, Tyler. We both know it'll end badly." ****  
** **

And Tyler could only hum, because he knew Mark was right. But that didn't stop him from shooting Josh a text as soon as he hung up. ****  
** **

_ do you wanna go on a date? _

****

;

****

Tyler took him to the aquarium. ****  
** **

Neither of them knew jack shit about fish, but that made it better somehow. Josh was beautiful, all wide-eyed and wondering; Tyler found himself paying more attention to his date's stupid face than the marine life itself. ****  
** **

_ His  _ date. He was on a date. Him. And Josh. Josh, who could probably do a lot better. Josh, who almost got robbed by Tyler the week before. Josh, who looked over at his almost-robber and smiled and said, "This place is awesome. Thanks for bringing me here, dude." ****  
** **

"No problem." Shaken by the sugar-sweet sincerity oozing like honey from Josh's eyes, Tyler pointed at the closest fish and started spewing bullshit. "These ones have legs, y'know. They're just, like, hidden." ****  
** **

"No way," Josh said, turning away from him to squint at the fish in question. "You're kidding, right?" ****  
** **

"I'm being totally serious." ****  
** **

Josh just shook his head, completely and entirely convinced. It really didn't take much, which was concerning. Scary, almost. "That's insane." ****  
** **

Tyler hummed, because he was an asshole; after seven or eight more seconds of dazed staring on Josh's part, he cleared his throat. ****  
** **

"Josh?" ****  
** **

The honeyed eyes turned back to him, blinking. "Yeah?" ****  
** **

"They don't have legs," Tyler said, deadpan, and just like that Josh's face went from pink to red to borderline magenta. ****  
** **

"You're the worst," he mumbled, but he was smiling, and that smile got twice as big when Tyler gave his shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. ****  
** **

"Don't feel dumb, man. You can't be the only person who’s been tricked into believing fish can have legs." ****  
** **

Josh huffed all dramatic but took full advantage of Tyler's lingering fingers, leaning into his touch with that oh-so tender look on his face - the one that made Tyler's heart burn hot enough to melt all twenty-four of his ribs. "Whatever." ****  
** **

After the aquarium they went and got ice cream, and all the while Tyler couldn't shake the feeling that it was all some elaborate fever dream. There he was, eating rocky road on the curb next to a goddamn cherub like it was nothing. Like he deserved it. But it wasn't nothing, it was  _ everything,  _ and he certainly didn't fucking deserve it.  ****  
** **

No, he didn't deserve the way Josh looked over at him, giddy and kind of nervous. He didn't deserve the sunshine smile or the crinkly eyes or the halo of faded pink curls. Tyler was unworthy of it all - a thief. A liar. A drifter without morals. And Josh was just the boy who scooted closer and closer until he could smush his cheek against Tyler's shoulder, eyes half-lidded; sleepy. ****  
** **

"This was fun," he said, looking up at him with a softness so far beyond human comprehension. "Thank you." ****  
** **

"Don't need to thank me." A painfully gentle sentiment echoed by the kiss Tyler pressed to the top of Josh's head, burying his nose in his hair and letting his eyes flutter shut. And for the briefest of split seconds, he wasn't thinking about whether or not he deserved it. He was just existing, floating somewhere between Josh’s chest and the goodness of the heart nesting inside it. That was all he knew - all he  _ wanted  _ to know. ****  
** **

_ Don't get involved with him, Tyler. _ Mark's voice, bouncing off the walls of his brain like a bullet.  _ We both know it'll end badly. _ ****  
** **

But what could be bad about this? What could be bad about the way Josh was pressed against him, warm and trusting and all too sensitive? Nothing. Absolutely  _ nothing. _ ****  
** **

It would work out. It had to.

****

;

****

It never really occurred to Tyler how lonely his apartment was. Granted, he didn't have any actual friends other than Mark - couldn't afford to have more than one - and they hadn't seen each other in person in over a year. So it was basically just him and the occasional cockroach. ****  
** **

Oh, and Josh. ****  
** **

Needless to say, Tyler had never gone out of his way to invite other dudes over to his place. He preferred to fuck their brains out in some motel and then book it (or in Josh's case, kiss them tenderly and chicken out of the whole betrayal thing). No reason to open up his home to the people he planned on double-crossing. They didn't need to know where the fuck he slept, or ate, or watched TV. Too personal. ****  
** **

But Josh was special. He was special because he made Tyler  _ want  _ to be vulnerable; open. And that was scary. Exciting, sure, but mostly scary. ****  
** **

Tyler spent a good two hours cleaning, which made him realize just how sad (and nervous) he really was. He could scam people out of their time and money, exploit every ounce kindness he was shown, but the thought of Josh in his living room was almost too much for him to stomach. Unbelievable. ****  
** **

Clammy hands braced against the sink, he stared at himself in the bathroom mirror and considered shaving, because yeah, his face was starting to get pretty scruffy. Josh didn't seem to mind, though. Josh didn't mind most things. He was patient that way. ****  
** **

Patient enough not to mention just how long it took Tyler to answer the knock on the door. ****  
** **

(Twenty-three seconds.) ****  
** **

“Hey,” Josh said, and smiled, and just like that Tyler felt all the stiffness drain out of his bones. Josh’s face was a remedy for any and all heartache, a machine that took raw fear and wove it into something simple, and warm. Something Tyler could understand. ****  
** **

"Hey." ****  
** **

The pink-haired antidote stepped past the threshold and into Tyler’s sanctuary, eyes roaming and twitchy fingers reaching up to adjust his snapback. He was nervous, too. That had to count for something. “Nice place.” ****  
** **

“Thanks,” Tyler said, and he meant it, letting the door click shut. He watched Josh wander deeper and deeper into the foxhole nobody else had seen - nobody he cared about, anyway.  ****  
** **

Tyler wanted to impress him so fucking bad. ****  
** **

"Cool painting," Josh said simply, stopping to nod at the artwork hanging just above the sofa. "Feel like I know who they are." ****  
** **

"Were you raised Catholic?" Tyler asked, joining him in front of the painting in question. Looking back on it, he probably shouldn't have blown so much money on something nobody else would get to see. ****  
** **

Josh snorted as if to say _ you've got no fucking idea. _ "Super Catholic.  _ Insanely  _ Catholic. But it's been awhile." ****  
** **

"Been awhile for me, too." Tyler reached out to point at the painting's teary-eyed subjects. "That's Judas, and that's JC." ****  
** **

"Judas was the dude who fucked him over, right?" ****  
** **

"Right." ****  
** **

"Dope." ****  
** **

Tyler could only hum, stealing a sideways glance at the look on Josh’s face: thoughtful and tame with all his sentiments laid bare, nothing to hide and everything to give.  ****  
** **

_ Was I ever like that? _ Tyler wondered, helpless and a little sad. No, he was never that easy to access - not even as a teenager. He’d always been scared of what people would find if they reached between his ribs; made a grab for his heart. Maybe their fingers would close around nothing.  ****  
** **

His chest always felt so fucking empty. ****  
** **

That’s why Josh was there to stuff it full of flowers and puppies and whatever else angels carry around in their pockets. He was there to laugh and say, “Dude, you’ve got one of those fancy keyboards? That’s, like, super cool.” ****  
** **

Blinking, Tyler followed his eyes to the weird-looking rectangle leaning against the wall. “I got it on eBay for twenty bucks.” ****  
** **

“Who cares?” As poignant as ever. “It’s so shiny.” ****  
** **

Tyler eyed him curiously, both eyebrows raised. “You wanna mess with it, don’t you?” ****  
** **

“Kinda,” Josh admitted, sheepish, and Tyler wasted no time retrieving it, plopping down on the couch with the keyboard balanced across his thighs. Two seconds later and Josh was joining him, sitting so close that their knees knocked together. It was almost distracting, the way he leaned over to peer at the keys, pink curls peeking out from under his hat. Tyler wanted to kiss him. ****  
** **

Tyler didn’t kiss him.  ****  
** **

Instead he stumbled through the first few notes of Hey Jude; dipped his toe in the pool. But stumbling turned to serenading when Josh started to nod and hum along, his vibrato the driving force behind Tyler’s unreliable fingers. ****  
** **

“You’re pretty good at that,” he said once it was over, and Tyler just shrugged. ****  
** **

“I’m okay. Here.” He slid the keyboard into Josh’s lap. “You try.” ****  
** **

Josh proceeded to execute the slowest version of Hot Cross Buns Tyler had ever heard in his life. ****  
** **

“My brain doesn’t move fast enough,” Josh explained, but he didn’t seem all that embarrassed. He just smiled and moved the keyboard to the part of the couch that wasn’t occupied by jackasses with too-pink faces.  ****  
** **

“I disagree. I think it’s set at just the right speed.” ****  
** **

“Thanks, man.” Josh’s eyes were shiny - not with tears but with love. ****  
** **

“Don’t mention it,” Tyler said, and promptly pulled him into his lap because he could only last so long with their thighs pressed together and Josh’s sweet breath tickling his cheek. The same breath that hitched when Tyler grabbed him by the shoulders and hijacked his mouth with a kiss so heavy that Josh turned to syrup in his hands, hips rolling helplessly against Tyler’s own. Tyler moaned all cracked and carnal and let his fingers stray, running them up and down Josh’s quivering sides before curling them around the bottom of his t-shirt, pulling it over his head and knocking off his hat in the process.  ****  
** **

Neither of them noticed. ****  
** **

It was with Josh wedged under his arm fifteen minutes later that Tyler realized, for all intents and purposes, he didn’t have a home - hadn’t had one for a long time. Too busy dragging himself from town to deadend town, because god fucking forbid people got suspicious. He couldn't afford suspicion. ****  
** **

But maybe he could afford the way Josh’s face was buried in his neck, or the weight of the legs slung over his lap. Maybe he didn’t need a picket fence or a rose garden or a golden retriever. All he needed was this. ****  
** **

_ This, _ he thought, his chest getting fuller by the second,  _ could be a home. _ ****  
** **

 

;

****

“How are things going with the accident waiting to happen?” ****  
** **

Tyler stopped typing his latest email scam just long enough to shoot daggers at his phone, balanced precariously on his knee with Mark’s patronizing voice pouring from the speaker. “Fine. And don’t call him that.” ****  
** **

“Sorry.” He wasn’t sorry. “I meant the pink-haired inconvenience.” ****  
** **

“Y’know what? Just for that, I’m gonna have lunch with him tomorrow.” Truth be told, Tyler had planned on doing that anyway, but he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to rub shit in Mark’s face. ****  
** **

“Do whatever you want, man. He’s your liability, not mine.” ****  
** **

“That’s not fair,” Tyler insisted, shaking his head, and there was some bite to it. He couldn’t help it - couldn’t sit back and let Josh get painted as some kind of burden. ****  
** **

Mark snorted. “To who?” ****  
** **

“Him.” ****  
** **

A seven-second window of silence. And then, “Does he know?” ****  
** **

“Know what?” But Tyler wasn’t stupid. Lovesick, sure, but not stupid. ****  
** **

“That you make a living stealing candy from babies.” ****  
** **

“He doesn’t  _ need  _ to know,” Tyler said, his words going from biting to snapping. As far as Josh was concerned, he was the good-natured railroad worker who ate ice cream and went to aquariums and played the keyboard. Nobody had the right to skew his version of the story. No point. ****  
** **

“No? You really don’t think he’s gonna find out?” Each syllable was wound tighter than the last until Mark was practically choking on his own tension. “Like, ever?” ****  
** **

“Why are you so stressed about this? I’m twenty-nine. I know what I’m doing.” ****  
** **

“I just don’t wanna see you get your heart ripped in half by this kid.” ****  
** **

“Josh isn’t like that,” Tyler said, because he  _ knew  _ Josh - knew how good he was. Knew he could afford to have at least one good person in his life. “He’s not gonna hurt me.” ****  
** **

Mark sighed. Not annoyed, just helpless; sad. “Okay, sure, but  _ you  _ might have to hurt  _ him, _ whether you like it or not. And I know you don’t wanna do that.” ****  
** **

“I think I’d rather bite off my own fingers.” ****  
** **

“Get ready to pay some serious hospital bills, then.” ****  
** **

Tyler decided he didn’t want to talk anymore.

****

;

****

Tyler had never sat down and eaten lunch with anyone in his entire adult life. Most days he didn’t even  _ have  _ lunch. But he also didn’t go on dates, or give tender kisses, or let people inside his apartment, so there really was a first time for everything. ****  
** **

Change was good. Josh was... good.  ****  
** **

They went to some little diner in Columbus, tucking themselves away in the furthest booth from the door. Tyler could tell just by looking at him that Josh had slept in: the curls were messier than usual, and the way they bounced was borderline distracting. Powerless, Tyler could only sit there and bask in Josh’s sleepy-softness, completely and unapologetically lovestruck. ****  
** **

“Can I be totally honest?” Josh asked once they ordered their food, running a hand through that too-curly hair. Nervous. ****  
** **

“Sure, man.” Tyler tried his best to keep the bone-deep worry out of his voice. For the most part, he succeeded; considering his entire livelihood was dependent on how well he could play pretend, this was to be expected. ****  
** **

Josh wasn’t as good at the whole pretending thing. The words ‘open book’ didn’t even begin to describe the look on his face when he leaned forward, elbows on the table, and said, “I’m still kinda surprised we’re doing this.” ****  
** **

“Doing what?”  ****  
** **

But Tyler knew. ****  
** **

“ _ This, _ ” Josh sputtered, the desperate roundness of his eyes rivaling the moon. “Like... I dunno.” ****  
** **

Tyler’s mouth twitched. “You can use the word ‘dating’, y’know. I’m not gonna correct you.” ****  
** **

Josh blinked three times in a row, his cheeks getting a little bit warmer with each flutter of the eyelashes. By the time he cleared his throat - found his words - they were borderline sizzling. “So we’re, uh. We’re on the same page?” ****  
** **

“What else would you call this?” Tyler asked, both eyebrows raised and trying his damned hardest not to grin all asshole-like. ****  
** **

Eyes down, Josh could only shrug, jittery fingers toying with his sweater sleeve; reminding Tyler of the first time they met. “I guess I’m just scared of being played or whatever. Not used to getting together with dudes I meet in bars.” ****  
** **

“You callin’ me a cheap date?” Tyler’s teeth were on full display at that point, unable to bite back his smile any longer, but the look of raw horror on Josh’s face made it seem like he was about to witness his own murder. ****  
** **

“What? No. Of course not. I’d  _ never- _ “ ****  
** **

“Uh huh.” Tyler leaned back in the booth, arms crossed; eyes pleasantly thoughtful. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty surprised, too.” ****  
** **

“Really?” Relief, loud and clear. And then, “Why?” ****  
** **

“I don’t date. I mean, I  _ have  _ dated people, but it’s been awhile.” ****  
** **

Josh’s eyebrows knitted together. “Are ya shy or something?” ****  
** **

Tyler jerked his shoulders in the world's lamest shrug. Meanwhile, something he couldn’t name stirred deep in his gut. Hard to identify guilt when you’ve never felt it before. “Just busy.” ****  
** **

“M’pretty low-maintenance,” Josh mumbled, tugging on his sleeve for the fifteenth time that day. ****  
** **

“Yeah?” The nameless worms squirming around in the pit of Tyler’s stomach stopped moving just long enough for him to smile, amused. ****  
** **

“Yeah.” ****  
** **

That’s when Tyler unfolded his arms and reached across the table, taking one of those unreliable hands and winding their fingers together. Josh finally lifted his head to meet Tyler’s eyes, not daring to breathe or blink or think when he lowered his voice and said, “I wouldn’t care if you were the most high-maintenance motherfucker on the planet.” ****  
** **

The worms reappeared when Josh remembered how to smile back at him, eyes crinkling in a way that made Tyler realize just how much he didn’t deserve this. Any of it. “Good to know.” ****  
** **

No, Tyler didn’t really eat lunch with people, but he didn’t go on long walks, either. Which is why he felt all the more foreign strolling through downtown Columbus with his hands in his pockets, Josh trailing close behind. Naturally, he went out of his way to stomp on every sidewalk-bound leaf (because he was an asshole), but Josh stepped carefully over each one, the December wind peppering his face with kisses until it was ever-so-rosy. ****  
** **

“Hey Tyler?" Josh's voice was a gamble - just wary enough to make Tyler's nerves fray at the ends. He looked over his shoulder anyway. ****  
** **

"What's up?" ****  
** **

Josh slowed, and stopped, and let the billowy autumn breath frame his face like a wreath. Some breed of misty lion, he waited for Tyler to turn all the way around before opening his mouth again: "I think I want you to meet my mom." ****  
** **

And Tyler thought,  _ Fuck. _ ****  
** **

And Tyler wondered what the hell he was expecting, because of course Josh wanted him to meet his mom. That's how things work. Dear god, had he forgotten how things work? ****  
** **

And Tyler reached out to squeeze his shoulder, to smile and say, "I'd be honored, man." ****  
** **

But he wasn't honored. He was terrified. ****  
** **

_ We had a good run, though. _ Tyler just stood and breathed in Josh's smoke, let it clog his chest, still so empty because no amount of tenderness could really amend the anatomy of an animal.  _ Didn't we? _ ****  
** **

"I think she'll really like you," Josh said, smiling. ****  
** **

Tyler would die a creature of habit. Tyler would die an animal.

****

;

****

Tyler left at 12:47.  ****  
** **

Josh was in his bed. He’d picked him up from work; insisted that he spend the night. So he tangled himself up in Tyler’s sheets, Tyler’s arms, Tyler’s hair tickling the back of his neck, and Tyler didn’t know why he fucking bothered. Maybe he was just desperate for a few more hours of sticky-sweet certainty. He wasn’t sick of playing house. He’d never be sick of it. ****  
** **

He’d never be sick of Josh. ****  
** **

But that wasn’t the point, was it? It didn’t matter what he wanted, who he wanted, how  _ badly  _ he wanted. Want had nothing to do with it. No, this was about survival. It was about the life he chose, would  _ continue  _ to choose, because it was all he knew. ****  
** **

He’d been a fraud since age nineteen. There’s no going back from that. ****  
** **

That’s why he pulled away from Josh and his warmth, pulled away from the pink curls and freckled shoulders and wholehearted compassion. A wayward planet yanking itself out of orbit - not out of spite but out of self-preservation. ****  
** **

He waited for Josh to stir, to roll over and look at him, to smile up at him all sleepy and naive. But he must’ve trusted him to come back, because he didn’t even lift his head. ****  
** **

Tyler should’ve left it at that. Why didn’t he? Why did he feel the need to lean down, to press his wicked mouth to Josh’s cheek? Goodbye kisses weren’t for animals. The way Josh’s face twitched, fast asleep but still managing a smile - that wasn’t for him. ****  
** **

But he took that smile with him anyway. He held it close to his chest all the way to Indiana, gripped it tight enough to turn his knuckles white. Held it between his cruel teeth while he sat in the dark at some gas station. That's where he called Mark. That's where he waited for the  _ I told you so. _ ****  
** **

He got an  _ I'm so sorry. _ It hurt more somehow. ****  
** **

"Yeah." Tyler was whispering. Tyler was unkind. Tyler was an animal. "Yeah, me too." ****  
** **

  |    
---|---


	2. judas comes home

The thing about animals is that they’re carved from magnets - they follow each pull, each unexplainable tug. They drag themselves through canyons and dance across frozen lakes in search of something that may not exist in the first place.

So when God took Tyler’s intestines in His hands and yanked, that was it. He had to go. He had to drag himself through turnpikes and dance across lonely towns. He had to find himself back in Columbus, sitting at that same bar with those same bags under his eyes.

Different anatomy, though. He’d made all the necessary amendments - forced himself to, no matter how painful the surgery was. Seven months later and he was healing just fine.

For the most part, anyway.

The memory of Josh and all his tenderness seemed to hold his wounds shut and threaten to unravel the stitches at the same time. Tyler wanted to be good for him, but Tyler also _wanted_ him, and he knew he had no one to blame but himself. So what was the point? Why bother being good after he actively drove a knife between him and the one positive force in his life? Like Josh was a tumor and not the rare remedy for his nature.

Sometimes Tyler laid awake and wondered if Josh had cried - if he was still crying. 

_Please don’t cry,_ his 3AM brain would beg, as if their nervous systems were connected, even with 175 miles between them. _I’m not worth it._

But he didn’t have to wonder for much longer, because Josh was also carved from magnets, and Josh was moving across the bar towards him, and Josh was right there, he was _right there,_ and Tyler couldn’t even fucking look at him.

“Shaved your head." The voice was flat. Not bitter, just deflated - a popped balloon losing trust instead of helium. It said _you were the last person I wanted to see tonight, you motherfucker. I’m tired._

"Yeah,” said the motherfucker himself, still not looking. He couldn’t breathe.

"Huh.” There was a new darkness to him, Tyler decided: not in the sense that he was malicious, or evil, or even angry. No, part of his light had been snuffed out, and Tyler was holding the extinguisher. "D'you miss it?"

"My hair?" Tyler asked, finally looking up at him. Josh looked back. His eyes were wet.

"Any of it."

Tyler opened his mouth - the same one that gave ruthless goodbye kisses - but everything he wanted to say withered and died in the frozen wasteland of his throat. So Josh turned and left, and Tyler watched him go. Maybe it was karma. Maybe it was to be expected that the person he mentally mutilated wanted nothing to do with him.

What he didn’t expect was for that person to return twenty seconds later and grab him by the arm, dragging him off the stool and out the door, up the sidewalk and into the nearest alley. That’s where Josh let go. He was shaking. He said, “I should punch you. I should clock you in the goddamn mouth.”

“You won’t,” Tyler said softly. Not arrogant, just matter-of-fact. 

Josh ran both hands through his hair. It wasn’t pink anymore, and Tyler ached for the warmth of it. He’d shed his bubblegum naïveté, traded it in for the simplicity of dark curls and even darker eyes. “I just... I just need to know if I did something wrong. This is on me, right?” 

Tyler stared. Josh stared back; repeated himself. Quieter, sadder, but five times as desperate. “Right?”

“No.” Tyler was quiet, too. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

At a loss and helpless to a fault, Josh just kept looking at him all teary-eyed, and Tyler felt nausea pool hot and watery in his gut. “Then why..?”

“Because I’m a walking tornado and I think- fuck, I _know_ you deserve better," Tyler insisted, voice cracking because it killed him that Josh wouldn't really believe it. "Just didn't wanna see you get dragged into my shitstorm.”

"What shitstorm?"

Tyler could’ve told him about that one Thanksgiving dinner where he came out to his parents and they cut all ties with him. He could’ve mentioned how he dropped out of college not because he wanted to, but because he couldn’t afford it anymore. And yeah, he could’ve brought up the fact that he lived on the streets for years and scamming people was the only way he kept himself from starving. He could’ve said all of that and more, but he didn’t. Decided against it.

The line between an explanation and an excuse could be so blurry. Easier to just own up to it.

So he did.

"I'm a hustler. I hop from town to town, and I scam people out of their money. Old people, teenagers - everybody's fair game. The night we met..." 

Josh's eyes were getting shinier and shinier with each passing syllable, but Tyler knew he needed to hear it - all of it. So he kept going. 

"I was gonna clean out your wallet and take off, leave you all alone in that shitty motel room, but I couldn't go through with it." Tyler shook his head, face blooming with awe. "You're something else, you know that? I'm a fucking con artist and you made me wanna be good. You're _good._ So no, you didn't do anything wrong. Not a single fucking thing."

He could see the gears in Josh's head turning, twisting, grinding, trying so hard to make sense of it all - like he didn't _want_ to believe it. When the cogs finally went still, Josh could only look at him and ask, "And you don’t- you don’t even think about it? You don’t feel guilty? You don’t wonder if these people were gonna use that money to buy a house or a dog or a Christmas present for somebody they love? Do you care?”

“Used to,” Tyler admitted, shrugging. “A long time ago. It would keep me up at night, thinking about the consequences of it - the stuff I didn’t see. But then I turned twenty-three and realized it’s a dog eat dog world, dammit. Every man for himself.”

“Tyler,” Josh whispered. “Tyler, that’s such a heartless way to live.”

“I know,” Tyler whispered back, because what else could he say? He knew. He knew he knew he knew. “I just... I don't want you to feel like you need to _make_ me a good person, y'know? It's not your job."

"You're already a good person."

Tyler didn't know how he could stand there and say that. Didn't understand the reasoning behind it. He wanted to say _I broke you._ He wanted to say _I can see it in your eyes, man. I killed you._ He said, "You really think so?”

Josh nodded. 

“You think I’m above this?”

Another nod.

“You think I should stop?”

Josh shrugged. "Not gonna tell you what you should and shouldn’t do.”

“Okay." Tyler's heart blistered with the urge to reach out; take his hand. Kiss his knuckles. He didn't do either of those things. "Okay, I’ll stop.”

“All I wanted was to spend Christmas with you,” Josh was mumbling, and Tyler had never heard him sound so raspy and pathetic. It killed him. “That’s all I fucking wanted.”

“I know.”

Josh's eyes flashed - not with anger but with the moonlight flickering in the glaze of his tears. So many fucking tears. "You _knew,_ and you still left. Didn’t even text me. Didn’t even say goodbye.”

“I wanted to," Tyler said, desperate, but he wasn't arguing. He was apologizing; repenting. "I really, really wanted to.”

“So why didn’t you?”

_Because I’m a loser and a coward and you can do better._ “Figured you wouldn’t wanna hear from me.”

“Should’ve broken up with me,” Josh insisted around the lump in his throat. “Should’ve given me a warning, or a sign, or _something_.”

Tyler swallowed whatever bile was produced by raw, white-hot shame. “I didn’t wanna keep lying to you. I thought it would be easier if I just...”

“Disappeared?" This time the anger was real, but it lost its edge under all the sadness. “No. No, it wasn’t easy. It was pretty fucking hard.”

“M'so sorry,” Tyler whispered, because for once in his life, he meant it. But Josh didn’t know that - didn’t know what to believe anymore - so he looked away, and blinked back tears, and inhaled all shaky like someone had slashed his throat open and he was choking on the blood. Eventually the copper cleared up enough for him to shake his head and say, “Hate this so much. Hate that I wanna forgive you."

"I don't expect to be forgiven,” Tyler said, soft-spoken as ever. “I hurt you."

“I know I’m dumb. That’s why you picked me in the first place, right?” Josh was looking at him again. His eyes were puffy. His nose was running. Tyler’s shame burned brighter. “I’m dumb, and I see the good in people, and I love too much. But that shouldn’t give you a free pass to toy with me.”

“You’re not dumb,” Tyler said, and violently cursed himself for ever making him feel that way when there was so much bravery in being tender. “If anything, you’re a whole lot smarter than me. I’m the only guy stupid enough to run away from the one good thing he had going for him.”

“Has.”

Tyler could only blink - once, twice, three times. He could only open his useless mouth and say, "What?”

“The one good thing he _has_ going for him." Josh's face was two parts determination and one part snot and tears. And Tyler was already shaking his head, because how could he accept forgiveness he didn't deserve?

"I don't want you to feel like-"

"I'm telling you how I feel," Josh interrupted, hoarse but firm. "I feel pissed off, and sad, and kinda scared. I feel like... Fuck." 

Powerless, Tyler watched him sniffle and rub clumsily at his eyes with the back of one hand. Watched him lift his head and croak, "I just wanna kiss, Ty. S'all I want right now."

And who would Tyler be if he didn't open up his arms and say, "C'mere, then.”

So Josh went to him, buried his weepy face in Tyler's neck, squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered all broken against the familiar skin while Tyler embraced him like a returning soldier, hands rubbing his back and eyes misting over with tears of his own.

Just two losers crying in an alley at 11PM.

After a good twenty seconds of clinging to each other Tyler grabbed Josh by the shoulders, pushing him back a step so he had room to kiss him, to come home to the desperate whines and tender mouth, only stopping to hold Josh's face in his hands; look him in the eye.

“I swear to god I won’t take off again," Tyler said in the world's softest, fondest voice. "Ever."

“Swearing’s easy," Josh pointed out, wary but just as gentle.

“Not if you mean it."

Josh's eyes softened like chocolate left out in the sun. "Okay. I trust you."

And for the first time in his life, Tyler's immediate thought wasn't _your mistake._ No, he wasn't thinking about how much Josh would come to regret putting his faith in him, because he was going to take that faith and tuck it between his ribs - close to his heart and away from any and all harm.

"I love you," Tyler told him.

He'd missed being able to say that.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic honestly came out of nowhere and i'm kind of surprised i'm following through with it. whether or not that's a good thing is debatable
> 
> i'm @21bastards on tumblr so come yell at me if you want


End file.
